The life of a Spanish girl

When you grow up with your parents fighting everyday at the diner table, nothing seems the same anymore after that fight.

I still remember when dad hit mom for not having dinner ready at the table. And for just about any reason or excuse.
I remember when he called her a dumb bitch everyday or good for nothing piece of shit.
Coming home drunk one night and tossing my little brother across the bed when all he did was trying to protect our mom from him beating her.
I remember when he made us go to church every Sunday morning and read the Bible everyday but at home you were the devil.
I try to commit suicide once but I couldn’t leave mom alone since I was the second oldest. Instead I started to cut myself at every fight you guys had and that was almost everyday.

“You never noticed, you never cared about any of your kids, you just drank and got drunk with friends then came home to beat her again and again without stopping”

“Some good memories stayed and that was when I was only 5 years old. You would play sports with us and take us to the park. You were a great dad, very loving and caring but why? What happened?
I remember when you always said good things, give us advice and fixed our broken bikes. You didn’t hit us”

But the alcohol took over you, it made you the bad person and you didn’t see it. It’s like that person wasn’t there anymore. Where did that person go? What have you done to him? I was scared everyday of the devil you became every time you had a drink.
Now I’m in my 30s and it still hurts to think about it. Listening to mom’s cries for you to stop but you didn’t listen and kept going hard.
She didn’t deserve it and neither did us, we were only kids and needed protection and love.
Growing up without somebody to confide in or talk to about our problems wasn’t easy at all. Having no childhood and mature as early as 9 wasn’t easy either, you will never around and all you cared about was your drunk friends.
All we ever asked for was that you stop and start to change back.
Never changed unfortunately but what I’ve learned was that if I ever had kids of my own, they will not feel neglected or unprotected like you did with us. I’ll be the opposite of you and always there to listen to the good and bad news. I became a strong women, hard working, always said what’s on my mind and be honest to myself. I was hard on people sometimes but it’s because I was defending myself from them. Your bad parenting made me a loving mother and friend. But mentally traumatized which I’ve realized it’s time for help because I can’t do it on my own anymore. These dreams haunt me still even in this day. Best advice to give myself is know that I need help and go get it. Don’t give up and keep pushing your limits.